Just Being Me

20160926 Recently I have been very depressed and emotional. Application for moe was unsuccessful, couldn't find new student etc. Every time I get very upset, 鸡米always try to cheer me up (and I think he got quite annoyed also😅) He always said, "Things will be better ok?" But sometimes I was like, "Yea, like you really understand my situation." I tried to change my attitude towards my life now. Tried to be happy for stuffs. And now, I felt much more better. Earlier this month, I was planning budget for my money spending. When I realised that I actually need more money, I hesitated for giving tithes and offerings. If I don't give, I can have more savings! I knew that God has given me a lot of blessings - job, place to stay, boyfriend that love me a lot... It was only my greediness, made me upset and stop giving thanks to Him. After thinking about it so much, I finally left my life in God's hands. Trust him that he'll provide me with what I need. ...

20160920 常常不自觉的难过，上星期还大哭一场无法控制。 有时也不明白自己为什么会这样，是我对物质的要求太高了吗？总是忍不住的去羡慕别人，想要的东西不用付出什么努力就可以得到了。而我为了衣食住行要花时间在工作上，却还是总是不够。弹琴又弹得不怎么样，但是也没什么时间练习，有一种两头不到岸的感觉。 对于现在的生活我其实真的已经很感恩了。要不是有Kiki让我住他们家，要不是鸡米也在很多的事情上给了我帮助，我现在又会怎么样呢？ 工作什么的，我是真的很感恩的。我知道上帝赐给我的已经好多好多，是我自己太贪心… 对于最近跟鸡米的乐团（@feedbeck）的演出也是充满感恩的。谢谢他们愿意让我和他们一起演出。虽然对于我僵硬地演出这件事，我心里其实是很不好受的。我知道要跟着音乐一起舞动，但是我真的不太熟那些歌啊。我其实已经有努力了啊…唉 我知道还有更多的人比我还要辛苦努力一百倍一千倍，我好像只是在自怜自艾。 但是要到什么时候所有的事情才能好好地在轨道上？这样漂流我的心好累啊…

20160816 今天是很好的一天，但是发生了一件事情让我陷入恐惧。 搭mrt去Tiong Bahru 见鸡米先生，结果在走出地铁后，一个不知道什么国籍的人（皮肤偏白的印度人之类的，可能巴基斯坦吧乱猜的哈哈）突然走在我旁边问我是不是住这里。 我就随口说是，然后他又问了一些问题，企图跟我闲聊的样子。问我是不是来自台湾，在哪里做工，对了，还拼命问我最喜欢什么食物😑还有会不会煮马来西亚的食物😑 重点是他走超靠近的，又比我高出快一个头，我其实很害怕😰 最后还让我加他WeChat ，我就说我不怎么用，他再要WhatsApp numbers, 真是快晕倒了。然后我就说nah...他就大概说了see you之类的就走了。 真的是吓死了，因为一个人在那里身边没有朋友所以害怕，又很生气自己为什么又那么笨。 鸡米先生似乎无法理解我的恐惧，忽然记起以前好像也发生过类似的事情但是yl也同样没什么反应，有点不以为然的样子。 唉。无奈。希望不要再发生这样的事情了🙁☹️

20160806 THANK GOD! 好事接二连三的感觉太好了。 实在是太感恩了。 这几天实在太忙，一直到现在才有时间记录下来。 一转眼，还剩一年就要毕业了。我学到了什么？说真的，我自己也不清楚。好像糊里糊涂就过了两年。虽然在弹奏方面，我自己是觉得有和以前大不相同，但好像也没有进步神速。接下来的一年不能再混了，真的要努力勤劳，希望可以亡羊补牢哈哈。 今年换了老师！真的很期待和她上课！ In the blink of an eye, I've finally finished the first two years in Lasalle. One more year to go. What have I learnt? I'm not very sure actually. But I guess I really improved, comparing with my playing in 2013. Last year. I really hope I can improve and be a lot more hardworking. Also, I successfully changed my main study teacher to Christine Sham!! Really looking forward to having lesson with her:D 七月头的时候申请了当新加坡小学音乐老师。等啊等到花儿都谢了，就在前几天的时候，MOE终于打来了！超开心的，18号就要去面试了，不知道会怎么样呢……雨雯姐姐说这是一条漫长的路，但是不难。但愿一切都顺利吧！ I applied for Diploma in Education in early July. Been waiting for it until few days ago, I finally received a call from MOE! They asked me to go for an interview on Aug 18. I'm now quite nervous about it, hope everything will go well. Yewoon said that it...

"I found Christian going to church every Sunday is a very ironic thing." "Why?" "So God wants you guys to work for 6days and rest on the 7th day right? But you still have to go church and do so many things in church." "But it's supposed to be an enjoyable thing that'll bring us joy." "But are you happy? Cause I always hear complaints from you guys." 从来没有想过这个问题原来已经越发严重，就连身边的人也觉察了。 服事这条路，从开始的在台上伴唱，到弹keyboard，当司琴，参加诗班，当少团团长，当领唱，到现在还要负责安排敬拜团的服事表，一路走来，我的心情也改变了许多。从一开始的紧张，再来的喜乐，因着服事而带来的成长，一直演变到如今的疲惫与"显"，有时甚至是烦躁生气。又或者，因为忙的关系而没有做最好的预备。 "I always hear complaints" 就像一记当头棒喝，直楞楞敲进心里。原来在别人的眼中，我是做得如此心不甘情不愿。 I guess it's time to change my attitude. It should be joyful instead of stressful. P/s: Thanks baby😅 For reminding me about this, indirectly haha

20160702 最近心情很糟糕，常常因为很小的事情就很难过、生气。我究竟是怎么了呢？ 可能是因为很久没有好好灵修祷告了，越来越不知感恩；可能是因为工作上扰人的人与事；可能是因为没办法定时吃饭，也睡不够。 其实值得感恩的事情还是很多的吧。一直这样心情不好对身边的人应该很困扰。 Sorry if I made you worried. Been mentioning about wedding and marriage a lot recently. Not because 我想结婚了（绝对不是）. I really want to have a "stable life", and being married seems to be the closest to a "stable life". But it's not possible for now since I'm too young. Can only keep praying on getting a room in Singapore, so that I can officially move my stuffs in. Being homeless and 游牧民族 isn't fun at all. I'm so tired of all these. 未来到底会怎样，我怎么忽然开始彷徨。

20151107 是的现在半夜十二点了。 I'm really glad that I found him. I really love you and happy to be with you. 但是心里其实是很担心的，因为不是基督徒的关系，我知道这条路可能会比较艰难。但是真的很希望可以好好地走到最后。真的是不知所措心乱如麻。 Finally got to sing in Friday ensemble class. I was a little bit nervous haha. But I still made it. Although it was'nt really good :( Here's a part of the performance. November please be nice.